


Echoing Confessions

by lightasthesun



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: 5x10 The 100, Angst, Confrontations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Emotions, F/M, Minor Bellamy Blake/Echo, Sad Bellamy, Sad Clarke, Slow Burn Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, The 100 5x10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 11:06:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15684177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightasthesun/pseuds/lightasthesun
Summary: She closed her eyes when she could feel the warm palm of his hand on her cheek and she leaned into his touch before she realized what she was doing. It took all of her willpower to break away from it. "We can't be like that anymore""Like what?" Bellamy knitted his brows in confusion, ignoring the hope blooming in his body and looking at Clarke like she was a lost chance. "Partners. How we used to be -. You - you have Echo now".He could practically see how the demolished walls surrounding her rebuilded themselves."But I never had you" he murmured, sorrowful.She laughed, actually laughed. "Yeah believe me I know".Bellamys heart dropped to his feet and suddenly the air around them seemed to thick to breath.Or Bellamy and Clarke finally get to have an emotional rollercoaster as conversation. (Radio calls + Confessions + Bellamy poisoning Octavia)





	Echoing Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> This ff is my Version of 5x10 of the 100 and an Alternate universe - Canon divergence fic
> 
>  
> 
> _It's my very first uploaded fanfiction and my first attempt on writing Bellarke._  
>  _I'm sorry for any grammatical Errors but english isn't my first language._

They were all sitting on logs around a bonfire when Clarke came back out of the woods after foraging for medical plants and berries to use, face an ashen colour and eyes dull.  
Everyone knew that she had been away far longer than necessary. The sun had already set some time after all, yet no one said a word about it.

Murphy and Emori sat with Madi huddled between them on the log nearest to the spreading warmth while Raven and Shaw sat across from them, completely oblivious to the world around them and lost in a hushed conversation. Monty and Harper sat side by side on the farthest log, hands entwined and soft smiles plastered on their faces whereas Bellamy and Echo kept a strange distance and looked straight into the lambency.

Three days ago Bellamy came with Indra, Gaia, Monty and Harper bursting through the treeline and were instantly welcomed by the remaining members of Spacekru.  
_His Family._

Three days ago Clarke's heart began to beat again by the sight of his dark curls and sullen face. She tried to supress the instant relief that started rushing trough her veins like a wildfire. But it was useless. All her anger was forgotten for a short while. Bellamy was bloody and dirty and they couldn't look at each other for longer than a second, betrayal and seething anger filling the air around them, but he was alive and that was all that mattered.  
Clarke passed them on her way to her and Madi's tent and tried not to notice the way his eyes were following her movements, feeling them on her back like daggers that were cutting her skin wide open.  
As she reached her tent and gazed back at everyone, Harper catched her eye and waved Clarke over to them but she shook her head slowly, entering her tent and not seeing the way Monty and Harper were sharing concerned looks behind her back.  
Inside madi was sleeping peacefully on one of the two makeshift beds that she must have pushed together, so that they could sleep next to each other. No sign of the ghosts of the commanders in her sleeping form.  
Clarke smiled as she watched the girl that had become so important to her. Madi was her daughter if biological or not that didn't matter.  
And she would do anything in her power to protect her.  
She silently slipped behind her on the bed and pulled her daughter into her arms. Closing her eyes and splaying a fur as a blanket over their bodys, she drifted off to sleep.

*

"Clarke? Are you awake?"  
Bellamy stuck his head through the tent entrance, his gruff voice nearly booming through it and he grimaced, lowering his tone as he spoke because he didn't intend to wake madi.  
"We need to talk".  
Clarke groaned in her sleep, slowly blinking against the light that crept in from outside where Bellamy was still holding the flap open.  
She considered ignoring him like she's done it the past three days, just like he did, but she knows they need to talk. Raven would probably kill her if she would keep up distancing herself from everyone and not just Bellamy. It didn't matter that she was pissed as hell that Clarkle left him behind to fight in the pit. Because Raven also understood why she had no other choice and was mad at him as well. 

Bellamy sounded so stern that she was sure she wouldn't get a chance at avoiding him again.  
So she got up from the bed, prepared for whatever was to come but utterly sleepless and made her way around the bed on wich madi was still sleeping. She paused only for a second to give her a kiss on the forehead, completely ignoring that she was being watched.  
Bellamy and Clarke didn't look at each other when she strode past him into the darkness. She must have slept shorter than she believed because the fire was out but the embers were still glowing.  
They walked in silence until they reached the woods, Clarke trailing behind Bellamy as he lead the way and not side by side how it used to be six years ago. Just another thing that had changed between them.

"You would have to look me in the eye for that" she said in a clipped tone, responding to his prior demand.  
"What?" he answered, startled.  
"You said we need to talk, but you would've to look at me for that" her voice sounded too cold even in her own ears, almost like she didn't care.  
Although it was rather the opposite. She didn't want to admit that her heart was hurting the most. Admission meant truth and truth caused pain.  
Bellamy glared at her. "Yeah I don't really have a good reason to do that" he scoffed, his voice dripping for disgust.  
They looked at each other in silence for a term of minutes, studying every part of them and wondering if they even knew who the other was anymore.

She was the first to break it.  
"I trusted you, more than anyone" she rasped, swallowing the tears in her voice. Years had gone by and yet she had put all her trust in him like she had always done, just to be deeply disappointed. Nothing had ever hurt so much.  
_Love is weakness._

"I trusted you with her life and - . You did the one thing I begged you not to do. I begged you. And you betrayed me" she hissed to the end, but she wasn't able to hide the anguish in her voice or the angry tears rolling down her cheeks.  
"And I wish I could forget that Bellamy. I really wish I could, because I waited six years for you to come back to me but - ".  
"You'll never forgive me" he stated, totally worn out and she nodded while he rubbed his hands over his face.  
"I don't think I can either. And I understand that. Madi told me as much" he dropped his head subtly and continued quietly, "But I'd want you to accept it because I don't regret what I did. I only regret how I did it".

A sob escaped her lips and she pressed her lips together, wiping the dried tear marks off of her face.  
"I wish you had never come back down" she whispered after a while and desired that she would mean it even half heartedly. Solely because that would mean she could live with the memory of her best friend, her partner and not with the fact that he wasn't either, not anymore. She could go on hoping that he would come back down to earth with the rest of her family and she could proceed to envision how they would reunite. It was a selfish thing to wish, she knew that.

Bellamy gaped, feeling like all the air had been ripped out of his lunges.  
Clarke turned away from him, her figure half disappearing in the shadows as he raised his voice again.  
"You left me there to die" he whispered, voice hoarse from exhaustion and grief. He wasn't trying to make her feel bad it was just a bitter fact.  
She stopped in her tracks and turned back to him. His eyes bored deep into her soul as he gazed at her, daring her to decline the obvious.  
But Clarke didn't look away, didn't let him take a look into her bloody and broken heart. Holding his firm gaze she snapped back "Yeah well, you left me too".  
She had sworn to herself that she would never accuse him of leaving her behind all these years ago. Instead she wanted to remind him that it was his only choice, wanted to tell him that she was proud of him, so proud. But time had made her sensitive and the words left her lips without a second thought, and as much as she wanted to regret them, she didn't. Because it had hurt, it had been lonely without them. Still was, even now.  
Spacekru returned but her friends didn't. He didn't.  
Clarke had never felt more alone.

Bellamy crumpled right in front of her, as soon as he registered her words, eyes shining with unshed tears.  
Suddenly all his anger and sadness towards her disappeared and years of grief and heartbrokenness settled in his chest.  
"I-I'm sorry, so sorry" he choked.  
Clarke almost reached out to him, her arms hovering awkwardly in the space between them. "I left you behind to die. I - I believed you died". She drew back.  
"If I could do it again I swear I would wait for you but - ".  
A single tear escaped his eyes and rolled down his cheek. Bellamy paused, sniveling and at a loss of words. "Oh God Clarke I mourned you for three years and I never - never stopped missing you". 

He thought back to all the times he stumbled into her cell barely holding back the tears and absorbing every piece of her drawings, feeling like being on the ground again, with Clarke by his side. He stayed until he fell asleep on the floor, dreaming of sparkling blue eyes and a halo of blonde hair. Each and every time he woke up, surrounded by the last things that were left of her, it felt like losing her all over again. He did it time and time again, anyways.  
"I missed you too" Clarke said in a soft voice. A small but sad smile tucked at her lips and her eyes danced over his face. For six years she wanted nothing more than to have him by her side, wanted to touch him and to hug him. But now that he was standing only steps away from her, he seemed farther away than ever before.  
Bellamy gulped, slowly opening his mouth as if to respond but Clarke beat him to it.  
"But you had to leave Bellamy. It wouldn't have mattered if you had waited a few seconds more".  
She hesitated, unsure if she should tell him of the final minutes before praimfaya. Before the world burned to the ground.  
"I had to climb the tower, because the dish wouldn't align and the connection wouldn't stay put, so that I could adjust it physically" she stopped and sighed as if the pure thought of it made it difficult for her to breath.  
"I fell on my way back to Beccas lab wich caused a crack in my helmet".  
She chuckled mournfully and shrugged her shoulders.  
"So I couldn't have gone to space anyway" she explained and tried to reassure him but Bellamy inhaled sharply.  
"Your helmet had a crack?" he croaked, thinking about the radiation that must have affected her somehow. Clarke heard the unasked question and shuddered slightly, unwanted memories came to the surface. It was like she could feel the radiation blisters on her face and the blood in her mouth all over again.  
_Yes,_ she wanted to scream, _I was in so much pain._  
"I made it to the lap right before the death wave rolled over it and I passed out soon after. I don't.. - really remember much but I think I didn't wake up for days. And when I did my body burned in agony-" she got quieter to the end and broke the sentence off when she saw the pained expression on his face.  
She might be angry with him but she didn't need to dwell on the past when she was sure that he felt guilty enough for it.

Without a second glance to her former best friend, she continued with the less painful part.  
"But I wasn't alone-" she said, her voice was barely loud enough to be heard over the howling wind. The full moon made her blonde hair shine so brightly that it almost looked white in the dark of the night.  
"I know you had madi but-" Bellamy interrupted her but something in Clarkes gaze silenced him. It reminded him of the dropship days and how she would always manage to get under his skin.  
"No, I had you" she told him, staring in his brown eyes and smiling the loveliest smile he had ever seen. Her eyes seemed almost forgiving.  
He froze, trying to figure out the meaning behind her words.  
"I don't understand".  
Silence.

Clarke took a deep breath and closed her eyes, preparing herself to let her true feelings shine through her tough mask.  
As she opened them again, they were so full of unspoken emotions that Bellamy felt the need to take a step back.  
"I called you on a piece of crap radio" she laughed with tears in her eyes.  
It was time to tell him the truth. Yet her heart felt like it would burst out of her chest at any moment.  
"I talked to you everyday for 2,199 days. The first couple of months I did it to let you know that I was still alive and to keep you updated on everything that was going on. I would tell you if I had found something to eat and to drink or how far along I was with digging the bunker open. Imagining that you could hear me kept me sane". She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. "But after I found Madi I mostly radioed you because I missed you and because I wanted to believe that you were alive. I wanted to believe that you could hear me but weren't able to respond. Some days I missed you so much that I did almost nothing else".

Bellamy closed his eyes for a long time, willing himself not to break down and opened his mouth, but the only thing that came out was a heartbreaking choking sound, followed by a whimper and soon after silent tears started to roll down his cheeks.  
"You- you called us? I - we never received any of your calls".  
Clarke tilted her head to avoid his burning gaze and murmured  
"Only you. I called you."  
He didn't miss how her voice wavered, so full of affection.  
"I - I thought you were dead" his voice hitched on the last word, so full of regret and grief that Clarke started to cry too. _"You died!"._  
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" she murmured as she enveloped him in a bonecrushing hug and his head dropped to rest on her shoulder.  
"I'm sorry that I left you. I'm sorry that I didn't go back. But I had to choose between Madi and you and I believed that regardless anything that happened, Octavia would never kill you."  
Bellamy snorted dryly as he let go of her and said, "Yeah who would've guessed that the Person I would have done everything for six years ago would sentence me to death".  
Clarke knew that his wry comment only served to hide the pain he was feeling, so she reached a comforting hand out to squeeze his arm, trying to make him understand that he wasn't alone even though they weren't on the best terms with each other. Eventually he nodded, coming to understand her decision when she spoke again.  
Her blue eyes stared into his brown, apologetic and desperate. "I had to protect madi. She's all I had, all I have. _She's my family._ I thought you of all people would understand that."

The moment of confessions and remorse was forgotten. All of sudden the whole atmosphere changed.  
Bellamy tensed, hands clenching into fists and sending her a fiery glare.  
"Me of all people?" he spat.  
Clarke steeled herself. "Yeah. You always did what you had to do, to protect Oct-"  
"Don't you dare compare your relationship with Madi to mine and Octavias! She-"  
Clarke interrupted him, furiously. "Do you want to say that Madi is less important to me than Octavia is to you?!" she yelled back, not caring that Spacekru would possibly hear them in camp.  
Bellamy opened his mouth but Clarke wasn't finished yet. "She was all I had for almost six years while you had everyone else! She is my daughter!"

The first voices could be heard from behind the treeline but they didn't care.  
Echo was the one who attempted to go to them. Raven and Murphy held her back. They knew that their friends had to finally talk or their conversation wouldn't be the only thing that would blow up. Bellamys voice ripped deep into Echos heart.

"I poisoned my little sister for you!"  
Clarke hesitated unsure what to say and shook her head in denial. "No." She blinked.  
"No you didn't... You did it for everyone else, for _your family._ Not for me"  
He laughed dryly and buried his hands in his hair. Clarke could tell that he was getting frustrated.  
"You are my family!"  
"Am I though?" her voice trembled.  
"Of course you are! How can you even question that?"  
"Because you said so!" she cried.  
" _'Echo, Raven, Murphy and Emori are my family'_ " she repeated hysterically.  
"Because I was dead for six years and I get that. I understand that you mourned me but I am here now Bellamy!"  
A sob tore out of her lunges and she put her hands angry on her mouth to supress the ugly choking noises that made her body tremble.  
"I am alive and I still feel like a fucking Ghost! I don't know how I could be so fucking stupid and think that everything would be the same when you finally came back down."  
She threw her hands over her head in frustration. "Nothing is okay! All we ever do is hurt each other. Even after all these years. It seems that we don't know how to be around each other anymore" she sounded so desperate and so, so hopeless that Bellamy felt the same sadness he had felt ever since he had left her behind to burn on a dying planet.  
Maybe they still weren't so different after all.  
"You - . You are my family. You've always been! You‘re my best friend Clarke, my Partner" he said louder, taking a step towards her and laying both of his hands on her shoulders.  
"I never meant to exclude you. I never meant to hurt you" he murmured softly.  
She looked away from him but didn't back off. "Clarke?". How was it possible that she still got goose bumps when he said her name and that she could still feel the butterflys in her belly when he touched her out of the blue and without any rational reason? She closed her eyes when she could feel the warm palm of his hand on her cheek and she leaned into his touch before she realized what she was doing. It took all of her will power to break away from it.  
"We can't be like that anymore"  
"Like what?" Bellamy knitted his brows in confusion, ignoring the hope blooming in his body and looking at Clarke like she was a lost chance.  
"Partners. How we used to be-. You - you have Echo now".  
He could practically see how the demolished walls surrounding her rebuilded themselves.  
"But I never had you" he murmured, sorrowful.  
She laughed, actually laughed. "Yeah believe me I know".  
Bellamys heart dropped to his feet and suddenly the air around them seemed to thick to breath.

"Everything is so different now and I -".  
She searched her mind for the right words and huffed.  
"You what?" Bellamy asked.  
"I just - I'm afraid that I don't know you anymore".  
A wave of emotions washed over her face, fear and disbelief among them. To Bellamy it felt like she had slapped him again.  
"Six years is such a long time. And I was hopeful enough to believe that they wouldn't make any difference. That something wouldn't change -"  
Clarke faltered, clearly struggling with her feelings as she avoided his gaze.  
"Change?" he asked, curious and somewhat confused because he couldn't follow her thoughts.  
"Yeah" she whispered, "Between us" and took a step back, causing his arms to drop from her shoulders and hang limply to his sides.  
Bellamy opened his mouth to protest, he wanted to scream at her and say that nothing had changed between them but he didn't, he couldn't, because that would have been a lie. And he cursed himself because of it.  
He would have given everything to get her back only days ago, just to see her one last time and to tell her all the things he never had the chance to.  
He had wished for a few minutes more with her.

"You're alive and I lost you anyways" he declared exhausted and didn't reach out for her again as she took another step backwards.  
_'You can't lose something you never had'_ , a tiny voice in his head whispered.  
"You didn't lose me"  
He heard the lie even as she left it unspoken. Something was breaking inside him.  
"But I didn't get you back either"

Clarke was almost completely out of his view when she jerked to a halt.  
A tiny whimper left her lips "I loved you back then, did you know that?".  
She had never wanted to let him know this way even when it wasn't the whole truth but she couldn't tell him that she never stopped loving him, not when he was in a releationship.  
However, she had also learned by now that there was never the right time for them and she needed him to know now before their time ran out again.

 _No._  
He hadn't known. He sank into himself. Head bowed and shoulders hanging. He stood like Atlas, bearing the weight of the world on his shoulders. Hopeless. Empty.  
Her confession should have made him feel lighter, happier but all he could think of in that moment was that she had loved him when he had left her to die.  
He was so lost in his guilt and self loathing that he all but missed her next words. "You did good Bellamy. I was so proud of you and I loved you nevertheless".  
Bellamy was by her side in an instant, crushing her familiar frame to his chest, burying his head in her hair and holding on tightly.  
He never wanted to let her go again.

Clarke felt her whole body prickling when his lips brushed the skin on her neck and the tears started to stream down her face when he replied "I loved you too. I loved you so much for so long".  
As the night went on and the sun rose in the east, they held each others shaking bodys and asked themselves where to go from here, together.


End file.
